Showing posts with label coming out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coming out. Show all posts

Sunday, July 23, 2023

Closet Expulsion

 The polarization of American society that first took hold with the introduction of the Trump administration has left what was a steadily progressing zeitgeist in crumbling ruins. The septic hatred running in the veins of our compatriots has left our individual rights and liberties pock-marked with regressive craters of oppression; ignorant rhetoric and baseless fear the driving force behind the dissension. Though many demographics have fallen victim to this tidal wave of persecution, one of the front-runners making headlines as of late is the LGBT+ community, namely the trans community, specifically trans kids. In spite of the monumental SCOTUS ruling of 2015 allowing equal marriage and the numerous protections rolled out by the Obama Administration, the few rights secured for trans people have been steadily rescinded; the molehill of equal rights we were able to scrape together is quickly eroding.

The laundry list of attacks on the trans community has expanded both in length and in bounds across the US. Limitations on medical treatment and patients seeking gender affirming care, including puberty blockers, hormone replacement therapy, top surgeries, and bottom surgeries. Schools and athletic organizations, answering questions that hadn’t yet been asked, banning trans kids from playing in school sports. Schools and public libraries banning LGBT+ books and drag queen story times. Schools banning any mention or discussion of LGBT+ topics, people, families. All in the name of protecting our children. Protecting them from fabulous deviants. From glittering heretics. From flamboyant hedonism. From grooming. 

Ignoring the statistics of mental illness, substance use, suicidality (trans/NB suicide attempts increased 40% in the last year), these protections have proclaimed yet again in the face of diversity, “you don’t belong. You are less than. You are loathed.” The dangers of such lamentations are decidedly obvious, but quite possibly one of the biggest threats to the safety of our trans/NB children is the spread of parental notification rules in public schools. Essentially these policies require teachers to out children to their parents before they are prepared to do so themselves, under the guise of protecting the rights of parents, ensuring parental involvement, and open communication in families. A witch hunt of sorts that for many will result in an emotional death sentence for kids when their parents will undoubtedly respond negatively, even abusively.

For myself, I felt the pang of fear for my community’s kids across the nation, watching the ill-fated battle unfurl on distant coasts from the safety of my liberally-dominated progressive California home. My heart ached for the trials and tribulations I knew they would face in less supportive communities, in unsupportive families. While the trend was far from surprising in most states (is anyone surprised by the genetic embarrassment that is Florida anymore?), I was left stunned and appalled when this fight was dragged to my doorstep, not only in my comfy left-wing niche, but straight to my old school district.

On Thursday July 20th, Chino Valley Unified School District held a school board meeting to vote on their own proposal of parent notification. The policy would require teachers to notify parents if their student requests to be called by a different name, requests the use of different pronouns, or attempts to use a gendered bathroom that does not align with their sex assigned at birth. The crowd was divided as some noted the clear and present dangers of forcing kids out into potentially volatile environments, others pretending to fight for stronger familial units as one teacher shared “you should never have a secret from your parents, and if you have an issue, you guys need to work it through.” Ignoring the scores of countless LGBT+ youth that have been mentally and physically abused, that have been forced from their homes, sent to conversion therapy and religious reparative retreats, kids that ultimately commit suicide, many showed their blind utopian privilege in the matter. State Superintendent of Public Instruction Tony Thurmond attended the meeting to voice his opposition of policy, but was cut off by proponent and board member Sonja Shaw, and booed by other attendees before being escorted out of the meeting by security. Shaw has long argued under the pretense of the protection of children, but fellow board member Andrew Cruz didn’t even attempt to hide his own transphobic stance, stating “There has always been man and woman, and then you have this transgender, and it is not going to stop there, and it is a mental illness.” The policy passed 4-1.

The meeting was held at Don Antonio Lugo High School. My alma mater. The policy itself struck a chord, but the location, the practice, triggered a trauma. Long before policies and mandates, before anyone was required to disclose the private details of teens’ closeted existences, my teacher did so on her own accord when she attempted to out me as gay to my mother on parent teacher conference night. I say attempt not in that she tried and failed to disclose, but simply that she outed me to my already aware mother. This, however, did not fare well for me as my mother was not only aware but staunchly against my chosen path to eternal damnation.

Earlier in the semester, my teacher had spotted telling photos in my binder, revealing pictures of my then celebrity crush Mariah Carey (to be fair, at that point in her career, there were no photos of Mariah Carey that weren’t revealing). Though I was not completely out, I was not the greatest at keeping my own secret, perhaps a subconscious attempt to get out, or just flippant adolescent stupidity, who knows. But the pictures were there and my conservative teacher clearly saw them. She made no comment, asked no questions, just walked by and continued on with the instruction for the day. Weeks later, during open house, my mother and I sat at her table, and she ran down the brief synopsis of my academic performance. Just as we were closing the meeting, she noted she had one more concern to add. She turned to my mom and said “your daughter has inappropriate photos of women in her folder, sexually revealing photos of women. I thought you should be aware, and she needs to remove them immediately.” My face flushed, shock took hold of me as I froze. The rage came later. But first my mother’s came. My mother simply nodded, assured my teacher that the photos would be taken out, and we rose and left. It was a quiet and tense procession back to the car before my mother unleashed. The embarrassment, the utter humiliation of someone else knowing that her daughter was gay, that someone reprimanded her daughter, and by proxy, her, for gay behavior. Our already strained relationship stretched to the point of breakage that night as I took my verbal lashing and tears silently slid down my burning cheeks on the way home.

This transgression came about while I was already deep in the midst of emotional turmoil. My troubles in adolescence were drawn from multiple facets: a history of complex trauma, difficulty in school with severe bullying, discord at home. But my sexuality was one of the main factors that contributed to a suicide attempt a year before my teacher’s expose. My mother’s response when I first came out could have saved or broken me; it was unfortunately the latter. It wasn’t my choice to come out to her then, just like it wasn’t my choice when my teacher thought she was beating me to the punch. But both times left me feeling alone, devastated, and hopeless. It was never her place to commandeer my coming out process, it was never her right to catapult me into familial crisis to clear her own conscience of moral duty. She was wrong. And now that very school was ground zero for a policy mandating that all teachers follow in her footsteps.

Chino is not the stereotypical right-wing breeding ground one would expect to foster such ignorance. In fact, I often credited my childhood experiences in the public school system with my broadened perspective of diversity, growing up with a student body comprising all cultural, racial, and religious backgrounds; the epitome of the great American melting pot. Perhaps they're another victim of the changing times, perhaps an unspoken policy that was always there, waiting in the wings to be called to center stage, but clearly there was never really any space held for us here. Here we are the minority amongst the minority. And the angry mob is coming for our children. This policy will isolate, devastate and render countless trans and nonbinary children fearful and hopeless. And if it can happen in the safe confines of blue California, it can happen anywhere.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Letting it Go

Months ago I finally jumped the last obstacle of my gradual coming out party. Many of my friends and family knew, some I had told, some figured it out through social media stalking, where I was more at ease to share my life, and some just knew; I mean after all, I was nearly 30 and had never brought a man home. One of the few people I needed to tell had been one of the last: my dad. My initial coming out to my mother was a disaster, as I discussed in my previous post, and it terrified me that I would receive the same reaction from my father, so I avoided the disclosure as long as I could. But one night, as we sat down to dinner at a local restaurant, the moment seemed to present itself as I had to explain why I had cancelled our usual dinner night: because I had a Valentine’s Day date. As difficult as it was for me, my father, in his endearingly awkward manner, pored over me with unconditional support.

A week later, I sat coincidentally at the same table in the same restaurant where I had come out to my dad to have lunch with an older lesbian friend. I shared my major coming out moment and she cheered me on as we reminisced on the pain of being barricaded in the dark closet of our lives for so long. “Doesn’t it feel great to have that burden lifted?” she asked. “Now you don’t have to hide yourself anymore.”

But a cloud passed over the table as this comment hung in the air above us, because I realized the statement was encased in superficial hope rather than deep seated truth. I am still in the closet in many aspects of my life and it would seem, until the world changes as a whole and not just in fragmented progress, that’s where I will remain depending on what situation I find myself in.

The United States has made progress in leaps and bounds when it comes to the equal rights movement, as more states legalize gay marriage and same sex benefits, more states allow homosexuals to adopt, and more states are creating laws to protect individuals from same sex discrimination in the workplace. Mentality has changed as more and more people are in favor of equal rights and just basic equal treatment. But we are still scarred with the fear of rejection, harassment, and punishment for being who we are. While the world gradually gravitates toward acceptance, the trauma of our life experiences at times keeps us silent and closeted.

As I’ve grown more comfortable in my own skin, I have strengthened my ability to create the world and the life I want to be immersed in. Before, I was afraid to lose my family or friends and stayed silent to avoid offending them. Now, I have cleaned house, so to speak, of friends who were unwilling or unable to accept me for who I am; I have turned away from the family members who lamented they’d “pray for me” when they realized I was gay, like I was I leper in need of divine intervention. Before I had friends who remained when they found I was gay, but expected that I would not discuss my interests or lifestyle and changed the subject if I talked about my sexuality or my same sex crushes. Now, I do not keep the secret of me from friends and I refuse to avoid talking about my sexuality in front of them. If I have to listen to which male movie heartthrob is sexy, you will listen to my latest infatuation with my fake TV wife. Love it or leave it.

But there are still moments that stop me in my tracks. At work, I slip back into the closet, which has become a prison and a safe haven at the same time. I work with children, and while mentalities have changed, there are still those less educated in the world that associate homosexuality with pedophilia. I don’t want to see parents recoil with this revelation; I don’t want to suffer the heartache and humiliation when they request someone new to work with their child, someone straight. When I was new at work, a staff member who is deeply religious confided in me some of his anti-gay sentiment. He actually bragged to me about how he had attended a GLBT conference, ironically for our company’s Cultural Sensitivity requirements, and he badgered the presenter and confronted him with his own religious viewpoints and “truth.” I sucked the air in between my teeth and bit my tongue. Though I wanted to say so much more I was not prepared to give myself away and I did not want to be known as the new staff who was already stirring up trouble, especially since I didn’t know the overall position of gay rights within this agency. And not too long ago, I was having a discussion with my supervisor about wanting to start a family. I gritted my teeth as each statement was tapered with references to men: “you’ve got to get out and find Mr. Right,” “the right guy is out there for you,” “there are plenty of good men if you know where to look.” I don’t slight her for the comments she made; it’s typical to assume heterosexuality in this world and I’ve grown accustomed to it. Be that as it may, I wanted to let it go right there and jump out of the closet, crying out “I need a woman! And lesbian dating is hard!” But I stopped myself, checked the lock and kept myself confined to my darkened wardrobe. I had been down this road before.

Some people may think I’m a meager, spineless wimp, that I’m pathetic to linger with a toe always firmly planted in that damned closet. But the scars I bear from full workplace disclosure run deep. I was open at a previous job. I hadn’t hidden it from my supervisor, who was also the director of the agency. And then the world came crashing down and I found how much this could damage me. My neurotic boss had interrogated a co-worker about my private life after she found we had been spending (purely platonic) time together outside of work (we had gone to Vegas with her boyfriend). When borrowing my camera, she took it upon herself to explore my other pictures, and after viewing photos of our Vegas trip, my supervisor pulled my co-worker into her office asking the why’s, what’s, where’s, and when’s of the event. When I confronted my supervisor about the invasion of privacy, Hell broke loose which led to our parting ways. In the aftermath, I found that she had reported in employment papers that she had the right to investigate into my private life because I “was open about being a lesbian” and dancing with another female co-worker “definitely affects the employer’s interests and warrants ensuring the safety of the business and [clients].”

If this revelation wasn’t shocking enough, when I attempted to file a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunities department, I was informed all too late that I could not file there; I needed to go to Fair Employment and Housing. The EEO only handles job discrimination based on gender, nationality, ethnicity, or religion. FEHA covers job discrimination based on disabilities: physical disabilities, mental illnesses, issues relating to pregnancy, etc. Apparently being gay is a disability in the state of California which complicated matters and enforces the idea that it’s just better to avoid the whole debacle by being straight at work. Sadly I missed the Statute of Limitations and could not file a complaint against the vindictive sprite, but fear not dear friends, from what I have heard since we last met, karma for her has been quite the bitch.

Even outside of work, I am at times crammed into a closet with family. Though my dad was supportive in my coming out, he advised me not to share this information with my older, more conservative relatives who just can’t understand this lifestyle and wouldn’t accept these types of people. And in spite of my mother’s progress toward acceptance, I have been advised the same, handpicking a few select relatives that I must continue to lie to at family gatherings to spare their delicate sensibilities.

I envy the people who can burst headlong into life without a care or fear of retribution. I long for the freedom to be completely and utterly myself in every moment of my day. I tire of correcting myself when talking about love interests, interchanging “she” to “he” when revisiting a date in daily conversation. I tire of my elderly relatives asking about when I’m going to find a man and settle down. I tire of worrying about being treated differently at my job, a place where I can’t weed out the negative influences like I did my friends; I have to work with these people. In this day and age, with all the steps we’ve taken in the right direction, there are still so many obstacles to overcome to be a full time, loud and proud, out in the open lesbian.

But I am moving forward. I am mostly out of the closet; I’ve shared with everyone who is worth telling. I’m not making apologies for people I used to worry about. I am aspiring to be that woman I want to be, proud of myself in every respect and fearless of outside perspective. I kind of want to be Elsa. Yes, that Elsa, from that movie. Because let’s face it, Disney is just fantastically gay, and the Academy Awarding winning song could double as the universal coming out theme song, when you just can’t hold it back anymore, and you don’t care what they’re going to say, you can just let it go, and let the storm rage on. And if I could build an awesome, hilariously naïve snowman in the process, that would be kick ass too.