Make America Straight Again!

There has been a whirlwind of emotions swirling around our heads and hearts since the shock of Tuesday's election hit us like a sledgehammer to the temple. Many fears and concerns have arisen since Trump wrapped his meaty little hands around the title of President Elect, including the fears of his purported wall, the ban on Muslims, immigrants, and refugees, degradation of the Black Lives Matter movement, and of course, his promise to repeal Marriage Equality. Hand and hand with his VP Mike Pence, the GOP elected candidates have sworn to work together to set the human rights clocks back 75 years.

While I am terrified at all of these prospects, I know there are pitfalls, legislative loops, protests, and filibusters that can stop many of Trump's proposed bills from being passed, in spite of the Republican control of Congress. However there are issues beyond the power of Congress that are in far more danger than the promises Trump will eventually break.

In June of 2015, the Supreme Court of the United States voted for Marriage Equality, securing equal rights to homosexuals throughout the nation and barring any future president, Senate, or House of Representatives from overturning the ruling. Only SCOTUS can undo their own decisions, and we felt secure under the steely protection of the highest court in the land. What we hadn't anticipated that when SC justice Antonin Scalia died, Congress would not permit Obama to nominate a replacement, which is the right of the sitting president. They reserved the right of the nomination to the future president, confident that the GOP would manage to regain control of the presidency. Now that Trump has taken the crown, he has presented a long list of conservative justices that he will nominate for the job. And all he needs is a Republican dominated Congress to get his nomination elected, which he now has.

Now Scalia was a conservative, but as the court had a liberal majority at the time, replacing a conservative with a conservative was not an immediate threat. Unfortunately many of the justices are elderly: Ruth Bader Ginsberg is 83, Anthony Kennedy is 80, and Steven Breyer is 78. Both Bader Ginsberg and Breyer are liberal, whereas Kennedy is a balanced Republican who maintains an objective approach to most issues. As time marches on for these justices, rumors and reports of retirement are looming in the air, along with legitimate concerns for eventual passing-ons given their chronological progression in life. The loss of these justices during the Trump Administration will undoubtedly secure a 6-3 or a 7-2 (god forbid an 8-1) court imbalance tipping the scales of justice in favor of the conservatives. This, of course, is just the first step in a lengthy process that could eventually endanger the Marriage Equality ruling, but all Trump really needs is one more justice to retire or die to accomplish the platform he and VP Pence have promised to the country.

From the get-go, Trump had been utilizing his platform to speak out against all laws passed that have permitted the LGBT community to progress to some semblance of normalcy in a heterosexist and heterocentric society. This includes the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, DOMA, Marriage Equality, and many other laws and bills that guaranteed protection against job discrimination and hate crimes. Trump and Pence argued that these laws infringe upon the rights of Americans to practice their own religions without fear of persecution. They have vowed to force transgendered individuals to use their "biologically appropriate bathrooms" or their birth-gender bathrooms, and have backed laws that would permit discrimination based on religious beliefs. Pence himself has vetoed and amended laws against generalized hate crimes because they included language that protected LGBTs in the past. In a move more frightening, Pence cut funding to an HIV treatment facility, arguing that federal dollars should not be given to "organizations that celebrate and encourage the types of behaviors that spread the HIV virus", and stated more money should be spent on treatment to assist individuals "seeking to change their sexual behaviors."

So let's dissect that last statement for a moment, because some may argue it can be interpreted in many ways. Changing sexual behaviors could have met that people could change their behaviors by practicing safe sex, or getting tested for HIV before engaging in sexual relationships, or consulting with their doctor about leading a healthy and safe sex life with an uninfected partner. But that tiny line preceding this statements sets it pretty clear for us, because no HIV treatment organization "celebrates" behaviors of unprotected sex, sharing needles, refusing to get yourself tested, or screwing your partner without any precautions or cares about infecting them. Not one. So we can only assume these behaviors are really referring to gays, and teaching them how not to be gay in order to avoid HIV (because straight people can't carry this disease). So essentially, Pence was refusing to help HIV inflected individuals unless they were willing to undergo treatment to stop gay behaviors, aka Conversion Therapy.

Conversion Therapy is, at its core, treatment to reprogram the homosexual brain to either suppress its natural urges toward the same sex, or to even teach the brain a sexual appreciation for the opposite sex. Historically, this has been attempted in many ways, including chemical castration, physical castration, electro-shock aversion therapy, medicinally induced aversion that made patients physically ill when having a biological response to sexual stimuli (think A Clockwork Orange), and other forms of physical abuse. Conversion Therapy has been denounced by the American Psychiatric Association and is banned in five states in America, but never fear, because our Vice President has argued for these interventions in the past and withheld HIV treatment from people who refused to get themselves "fixed."

So here's the main concern: after years of fighting for equality, our next President has vowed to repeal every single act that has affirmed our position as human beings in this nation allegedly built on equality. The Vice President is essentially a proponent of violent and aggressive therapies to cure the gay out of America. Once the conservatives dominate SCOTUS, only a few more steps need to be taken to ensure we're never equal again. First someone must bring a lawsuit against the state arguing that their religious beliefs have been infringed upon by allowing some flaming queen in San Francisco to get married. Because this is Post-Trump America, they will not have to prove much. Once this lawsuit gradually gets elevated to the Supreme Court, the court has to decide whether or not they will hear the case. Given that they owe their careers to this extremely anti-gay administration, I doubt they will refuse. At this point, they will vote, and gay marriage will be no more.

This is of course a lengthy process which could take years, but if Trump is able to deliver a conservative ruled Supreme Court, he doesn't have to be president if and when a new lawsuit finally gets to SCOTUS, Until another justice retires or dies and the next president is able to elect a liberal, we're in trouble, and I believe that while this will be difficult to achieve, it is by no means impossible. With an administration that is so geared toward and amped up on hatred, bigotry, homophobia, heterosexism, and just plain ignorance, I am scared for myself and my fellow gaybugs and butterflies (that's LGBs and Trans, respectively).

And this America, is why the Rainbow movement is terrified today.

Trump supporting the LGBT community just days before the election 

because he realized he needed us.

From Darkness We Will Rise

My heart is breaking. I am bewildered, angry, and depressed. The events that have taken place this past weekend were incomprehensible to say the least, and the world has been left in a stunned, solemn silence. There are no words that haven't already been flung onto the front of a newspaper or thrust into the headline of an online publication. There is nothing new to say about another mass shooting in America, which is steadily becoming the norm of our daily lives. But for some reason, this particular shooting hit home a lot harder. While the devastation of every attack and shooting has broken my heart, this was the first time I genuinely wept over one and I truly believe it's because I realize how easily this could have been me or my friends. This attack was targeted toward us, and in spite of the perceived progress we have made in America this past year, our lives remain a dangerous existence.

Facts and details about the Pulse nightclub shooting are still pouring in and updates can change any sliver of information at any moment, but currently this is what we know: The shooter, Omar Saddiqui Mateen, entered the Orlando-based nightclub with firearms at approximately 2 am Sunday morning. He opened fire, and as many clubbers hit the floor, he shot and killed at least 50 individuals and seriously injured more than 53. After a hostage situation and multiple shoot-outs with police, Mateen was shot and killed. Mateen claimed the attacks for the militant terrorist group ISIS, however it has yet to be confirmed if he had actual ties to the group and was acting under their orders or if he simply admired their belief system and went rogue. The FBI have confirmed that he was previously under investigation for possible terrorist activities. Either way, ISIS is more than happy to take credit for the attacks. His father, on the other hand, maintains that Mateen was not acting in the name of any religion but truly because he was angered when seeing two men kissing in Miami a few months ago. Mateen also has an alleged history of domestic violence, aggression, and mental illness according to his ex-wife.

Tales of horror continue to emerge from the darkness of this night: mothers share their children's final texts, waiting for any sign of life, witnesses recount the massacre and the cries for help that will fill their ears and nightmares for months to come, victims still fight for their lives. Again, traumas that are no different from the other attacks that have plagued this nation and this world, with the exception of one detail. We were very specific targets; we were targeted for being who we are.

In Paris, they were targeted simply for being a component of the western world. In Sandy Hook, they were a matter of proximity and convenience. In Columbine, they were targeted for familiarity and revenge. In Aurora, they were random movie-goers. These were not matters of a particular demographic, a certain religion, race, or gender. These poor wretches were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. In this attack, it was specific and hate-driven; the homophobic slaughter of gays who just wanted to love freely, be as they are, and dance the night away on Pride weekend. That is what is truly terrifying. That in this day and age, such vehement hatred can burn so hot that you can decimate the lives of hundreds over a simple kiss. And it has shaken the very core of me.

Like me, many are rattled by the violence, and fear is never a good recipe for resolving social, political, or national issues. The irrational cries of closing the borders have resounded, military retaliation for ISIS have been demanded, and undoubtedly we will see another predictable rise in Islamophobia as angry bigotry sweeps through the country. But the one ongoing and justifiable concern that rings through all the fear mongering is the issue of gun control.

The proponents of gun rights have been relentlessly clutching to the draconian and likely sorely misinterpreted Second Amendment in their right to bear arms (sorry, couldn't help myself). Various solutions have arisen in an attempt to limit shootings such as these, including extensive background checks and even restrictions and prohibitions from purchasing firearms. But all fall short of being remotely effective. Background checks will only be successful if the individual in question has received mental health services and has been involuntarily hospitalized, reported as a threat to others, or is under court-orders or a conservatorship. And just a note, even if an individual has been hospitalized with a grave mental illness, or detained for threatening to harm another individual, they are only prohibited from obtaining a firearm for 5 years. Then the jig is up. But none of this matters when many private gun dealers are not required to complete a background check. Only public firearm dealers and shops are required by law to run a full background check on their customers. If you contact a gun owner directly through Craig's List, the PennySaver, whatever, you can purchase a gun by simply ensuring your payment goes through, no questions asked. It has been confirmed that Mateen legally purchased his firearms, in spite of being under FBI investigation years ago for possible terrorist activity, because those investigations were closed and he passed his prohibition period.

The problem with gun control is that there is no singular sure-fire solution, but a complete ban will significantly reduce the threats that face this country. Arguments of "well they'll still sell them on the black market!" and "look how well the drug war is going, crack is illegal but it's everywhere! Guns will be the same way!" are general responses to the push for eliminating the second amendment. So if we can't stop illegal activities, we should just make them legal to relieve ourselves the headache of failure. Others claim that they have the right to keep their weapons because they use the guns to protect their families from burglars and can use a concealed weapon to stop mass shootings. Sadly, there are far more family members getting killed from accidental discharges than burglars, and zero mass shootings being avoided thanks to some upstanding NRA member. In fact, many shootings occur because people steal guns from "responsible gun owners" who don't lock their firearms up. Some cry out "from my cold dead fingers!" but I press these individuals, if you want your guns so badly, why haven't you solved the problem? Where are your recommendations and why haven't you implemented them? If gun proponents can present a viable solution to significantly reduce if not eliminate altogether mass shootings and still keep guns legal, then I'm all for it. But I haven't heard a damn thing from them yet.

As if the massacre of Pulse was not horrific enough, terror lurked in the shadows much closer to home after a man was arrested on his way to LA Pride "heavily armed." James Howell of Indiana was detained outside a resident's home early in Santa Monica when he was knocking on their windows and door. In his car, the police found three assault rifles and a significant amount of ammunition and high-capacity magazines. He also had a bucket filled with substances that was potentially a crude homemade explosive device. He denies any intent to harm any individuals at the parade, but clearly his possessions suggest otherwise. You're not hunting bear with an assault rifle and a bucket bomb on the streets of West Hollywood. It was sheer luck that the police crossed paths with this man before he made his way out to the parade. In a crowd of 400,000 with bombs and bullets, the death toll would have quickly exceeded Orlando's as the west coast would have been enveloped in its own nightmare.

But we shine on. In spite of the terror we felt and feel, and the devastation that crippled us, in spite of the months and years it will take to recover and heal, we will continue to survive and thrive. The attack on Pulse nightclub only pushed more gays and allies to the streets of LA and Washington DC to demonstrate their unity. Fearless, people marched in the parade, some donning black armbands to honor their fallen brothers and sisters. Many have rallied around the nation and the world voicing their support, even some countries and world leaders that typically do not support homosexuality. Following reports of blood shortages, lines of straight allies curled around parking lots and street corners to donate, especially since our gay brothers are banned from doing so, citing superfluous concerns about tainted blood supply. For so many years we have endured. We have fought, we have battled our way out of the dark closet and into the glaring sunlight of freedom and equality, and we refuse to return to the depths whence we came. We are stronger, we are united, we are fearless. Whatever few will harm us, many more will protect us. When hatred rears its ugly head, love will always answer the call.

Oversung Heroine

When Caitlyn Jenner first came out as a transgendered woman, there were many predictable responses from the less educated right and even some from the middle who are still finding their feet when it comes to understanding gender identity issues. For her bravery in facing a very private decision in a very public manner, she was dubbed a hero and was awarded the Glamour Magazine's Woman of the Year award, among other notable acknowledgements. Following this, there was a tidal wave of backlash that swept across the internet, some of which trickled onto my Facebook feed as many argued that "a man dressed as a woman is no hero." They posted photos of courageous soldiers carrying their wounded brethren across the battlefields to safety, lamenting "this is a real hero!" One man even returned his wife's posthumous Woman of the Year award to Glamour Magazine after being sickened by the publication's choice to honor a trans woman. He stated it was insulting to his wife's memory, who perished during rescue efforts in the 9/11 attacks, and to many other past recipients. The definition of a hero has become more and more subjective as time goes on, but does Caitlyn deserve to wear the crown?

As society has progressed, step by step people have overcome their ignorance and their fear of the unknown and the misunderstood. We have taken great leaps in the human rights movement as people have gradually come to comprehend the "homosexual condition." Previously society believed we had a defective brain, that something didn't connect properly or develop properly, that something was wrong with us. Now they know that the the homosexual heart loves exactly the same way as the straight ones do, that homosexual love is as deep and profound and devoted as heterosexual love can be. But the next obstacle appears to be a bit much as many who are strong supporters of lesbians and gays still believe transgendered people to be defective with poor brain connections or limited neurological development, or possibly mentally ill. You're a hero if you find the courage to come out of the closet, but you're sick if you find the courage to adopt your true gender identity.

Caitlyn Jenner faced no easy task when she decided to come out as a female. She was mocked, attacked, and harassed. Petitions were signed to have her gold medals from the Olympic games revoked. She became the butt of every comedian's joke in late night talk shows, and she has added one more rock to the pile of "things gone wrong in America" arguments. But in spite of her own courage and bravery for her personal journey, I will say that as a public figurehead, Caitlyn Jenner is no hero.

After coming out as transgendered, the LBGT population rallied around her and adopted her as their mascot. Following her spread in Vanity Fair magazine, Caitlyn set hearts pounding and tongues wagging as people cheered her on in her very public transition. She landed a reality show chronicling her new life which often features her previous reality TV brood, the Kardashians and Jenners, and as previously mentioned, she began collecting awards and making speeches and public appearances all over the US. But the party was over when Caitlyn made an appearance on the show of America's favorite lesbian hero, Ellen Degeneres.

Identifying herself as a "traditionalist," Caitlyn admitted that she disagreed with gay marriage years ago and felt marriage should be between a man and a woman. She allowed that now she "doesn't want to get in the way of anyone's happiness," but sounded so reluctant in this, it was painfully obvious she negotiated her stance to avoid offending the gay, married talk show host sitting a few feet from her face. Tackling the terminology of matrimonial equality, she rescinded, "if that word marriage is really so important to you, I can go with it." Like I mean, if I have to, I guess I can deal with it. Strangely, the transgendered star adopted many arguments that conservatives like her have used against the LGBT community in order to support her own stance against her own community. She wept and demanded her own rights as a trans woman but couldn't comprehend why our rights as homosexuals were critical too. But she didn't stop there.

Months later, Caitlyn raised eyebrows again when she announced that she would be supporting GOP candidates in the presidential elections, in spite of the fact that they are all staunch opponents of LGBT rights and the human rights movement as a whole, and many are not that great for the gender equality movement either. Today, Caitlyn has announced that she wants to be an ambassador to Ted Cruz, a very conservative candidate who has publicly stated he would work to end federal equal marriage laws and would stop anti-discrimination laws protecting trans people. She argued that even though he does not have a great position on trans issues, he's "very nice" and if he becomes president, she would like to work with him to help him understand the trans community and the obstacles they face. Instead of gliding on some hopeless prayer that we can change his lifelong and deeply rooted Evangelical beliefs against LGBTs, wouldn't it just be better to keep him from getting elected altogether? Though she hasn't quite given him her full endorsement yet, the only other front-running Republican candidate left is Trump, so with her promise to endorse the GOP, either way we're screwed.

Caitlyn is famous because she is trans. Caitlyn is rich because she is trans. Caitlyn is being worshipped because she is trans. But Caitlyn is anti-gay marriage and has repeatedly announced her support for political candidates that have openly argued against Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender rights. This shining, glittering, rainbow-filled community has embraced you and lifted you up onto this pedestal in hopes that you could be their voice, and you repay them by arguing against their rights and backing the people who could soon have the power to take those rights away. Taking the publicity, the fame, the awards, and the money that the world has handed you in being publicly trans, then refusing to help the LGBT communities where and when it means the most does not make you a hero. It makes you a money-grubbing publicity whore.

Let's get one thing straight: in this world that is inundated with negativity and fueled by criticism, it takes so much courage and insurmountable bravery to face the backlash you get for being yourself, which pours down on you in cascades of hatred day by day. To wake up every morning and challenge the archaic societal norms knowing you will be harassed, attacked, and mocked is no easy feat. Many don't survive. Leelah Alcorn committed suicide when her parents refused to accept her as a female and isolated her from her peers by taking her out of school when she refused to live her lie as a boy. Even after her death, her parents refused to acknowledge her as a female and buried her under her male birth name. Lucia McCalip just took her own life a few days ago with pong seeds after being bullied and attacked by her peers. Her mother referred to her by her male birth name and only shared photos of her as a male with the press, also indicating possible acceptance issues at home. This life is not for the weak of heart, and transgendered people are heroes, but let's shine the light on the true heroes and heroines and forget these shady oversung heroes. Me personally, I'm all about Team Jazz.

Secrets Unfold

Today is my grandmother's birthday. It has been less than three months since she passed away, and though at times I feel like life is back to normal, there are those moments when a picture pops up or one of the songs I used on her memorial video seeps out of the car radio, and that familiar ache returns to my chest, accompanied by that lump in my throat. My grandmother was the special-standard grandmother, special in that she was mine, standard in that she did what every wonderful loving grandparent does. She reveled in spoiling us 8 grandchildren during birthdays, Christmases, and on occasion during a sleepover at her house. She continued to spoil her 15 great-grandchildren and begged for more, namely from me, who has yet to contribute to the family legacy. But it had been years since she asked about my love life, since she nagged about my needing to find a husband and pop out a few more rugrats. And though I wondered, I was never sure why.

My grandmother was raised in the 1930s as a conservative Christian woman. Along with those 1940s and 50s traditions of refusing to leave the house without perfect make-up and hair, with mastering perfect etiquette, with being the perfect wife and mother above all else came the mentality of the traditional family. A man, a woman, marriage, and biological children. There was never to be any variance from this equation and any divergence would not be tolerated. Needless to say it didn't sit well with her when her youngest son came out of the closet as gay and it took her years to adjust to the idea, decades before she became fully supportive of it.

In spite of her gradual transition to the unconditional support and love of my uncle, my mother was concerned about how she would handle my own coming out, and strongly advised against it. "It would just break your grandmother's heart if she knew." So I continued on through the years, biting my tongue, endearing the multiple affrontals of inquiries about my lacking love life, the many are you dating anyones, the why haven't you found anyone yets and the but you're such a nice looking young ladys, before we graduated to the I want more great-grandchildren damn it, adopt one if you have tos. There were attempted set ups, such as that nice young man from Honda they met while car shopping, who was apparently perfect for me because "he's Mexican too!" before offering to give him my number (my grandmother was white, I am half Mexican). Sometimes these conversations were agony, sometimes I just wanted to tell her the truth, so she could understand, so she could stop trying to set me up with car salesmen. But I couldn't risk breaking her heart. So I stayed silent.

As I grew older and became more comfortable in my skin, I was less cautious with my secret. It is a full time job to be in the closet and it is utterly exhausting, but as most of my family came to realize this truth, I had to work to keep my grandmother in the dark. I eventually friended her on Facebook as she learned to navigate social media, but I would block her from seeing my gay-related posts to protect her fragile heart. After awhile, knowingly or unknowingly, some of these posts may have slipped through the filters, though I don't recall if I intended to block them or if I was just tired of it. I don't remember if this coincided with the time the questions gradually stopped. I just noticed one day that my grandmother no longer asked about boyfriends and marriage. It brought both relief and confusion, but it slipped to the back of my mind and I rarely gave it much thought anymore. I simply enjoyed the time I had with my grandmother.

The family parties continued, the board games, the Facebook posts, it was just grandmother and granddaughter spending time together without much thought about whatever lay beneath our surfaces. It didn't seem as important to share this secret with her and I didn't concern myself with it, figuring I would worry about it when I met someone I would want to bring home to the family, which I had yet to do. But I still had those moments where I grew weary of carrying this rock on my shoulders.

Before any soul mate came into my life, before any lavish coming out ceremony, my grandmother grew very ill and passed away on November 20th, 2015. I was there in her final moments and the flashbacks of such have kept me from any quick recovery of the loss. Being my last living biological grandparent, my heart was ripped from my chest. I didn't give that secret I kept from her much thought in the few days after her death, but one night my mom was sitting on my couch as we cried and chatted away about our fondest memories of her. I'm not even sure how the conversation came about, but in one fell swoop my mother stopped my heart.

"She knew, you know."
"What?"
"Nanie knew you were gay."
"What, really?"
"Yeah we were talking about it one night. She just said 'I don't care, I just want Jae to find someone and be happy. That's all I ever wanted for her.'"

I fell apart. I cried. I sobbed. My mother swears she had told me about this conversation in the past, and I agonized over the lost opportunity to have this heart-to-heart conversation with my grandmother myself. There was nothing I wanted more than to simply remove this mask and be myself with each and every family member in my life, but no one more so than her. But I find some solace in knowing that as I was holding my own carefully guarded secret, she was holding her secret of unconditional love and acceptance, and with it, the truth that, tradition aside, nothing comes before the love of your family.

Happy Birthday Nanie.